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Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 11:48 am

Due to the popularity of the last one with Chard and Bromhead, I thought that this one may test the intellect a little more.

What do you think King Cetshwayo and Lord Chelmsford may have to say to each other, had they met.

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:23 pm

OK. I'll be first up to have a go although be warned, you probably need to be of a certain age for this one;

Cetshwayo: "Knock! Knock"

Chelmsford: "Who's there?"

Cetshwayo: "Ondini"

Chelmsford: "Ondini who?"

Cetshwayo (singing): "Ondi neath the arches......"

Sorry folks, not at all intellectual I know. I'll go away and lie down for a while.

H

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:35 pm

Cetshwayo - Hmm....I thought you'd be taller.

Chelmsford- I am....but the weight of me medals is making me sink in the mud.

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:55 pm

Cetshwayo: "Oh!.......that ultimatum"

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 1:59 pm

Cetshwayo: "I have an audience with the Great White Queen at Osborne House"

Chelmsford: "Osborne House?! Blimey -that takes the biscuit!"

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 2:01 pm

Cetshwayo: Your Commander, that Chelmsford, what an idiot! Dividing his forces in enemy territory, Isandlwana, it was like he wanted to be defeated! We made up this rude song about him, wanna hear it?

Chelmsford: Do you even know who I am?

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 2:34 pm

Cetshwayo This Adkins diet isn't working...just look at me!

Chelmsford Are you using the usual Muti or the low cal "Drummer Boy" brand ?

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 7:32 pm

Cetshwayo - I do wish you British would stop using my hair to store your quills.

Chelmsford - Sorry old boy, but being a darts player, I just have to shout ....180 !!!!!

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 10:59 pm

Doesn't Chelmsford look a wee bit like Sir Perceval in Monty Python And The Holy Grail... and Cetshwayo looks like Terry Jones dressed as the killer bunny...

Chelmsford: I'd like to launch an invasion please...
Cetshwayo: No you won't
Chelmsford: Yes I will
Cetshwayo: No you won't
Chelmsford: Yes I will
Cetshwayo: No you won't
Chelmsford: Yes I will and if you don't agree to the ultimatum I will.
Cetshwayo: I can't do that!
Chelmsford: Yes you can.
Cetshwayo: No I can't.
Chelmsford: Yes you can.
Cetshwayo: No I can't.
Chelmsford: Yes you can.
Cetshwayo: No I can't, but I can send you some cattle as appeasement. That should be enough to prevent this horrible war...
Chelmsford: No it isn't
Cetshwayo: Yes it is
Chelmsford: No it isn't
Cetshwayo: Yes it is
Chelmsford: No it isn't! Oh this is futile.

(Opens door)
Chelmsford: I'd like to register a complaint!
Cetshwayo: (appearing behind door with assegai): uSUUUUUTHHUUU!!
Chelmsford: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait I'd like to register a complaint!
Cetshwayo: Oh I'm sorry! That's next door. This is Getting Disembowelled lessons.

Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 10:55 am

Cetshwayo - Fancy a game of billiards Frederic?
Chelmsford - Yes OK but my heart isn't what it used to be
Cetshwayo - (psycastically) Oh dear what a shame
Chelmsford - But afterwards you have to promise to enrol in Celebrity Fit Club!

Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2006 7:44 pm

Chelmsford. "You keep the Witts and we will retreat".

Cetshwayo. "No you keep the Witts and we will retreat".

Chelmsford. "You leave no alternative, this means WAR".

Posted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 10:52 am

Cetshwayo: This was all your fault.

Chelmsford: No it wasn't.

Cetshwayo: Oh yes it was.

Chelmsford: NO IT WAS NOT.........it was Durnford's.

Posted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 3:06 pm

Chelmsford: You managed to defeat the Napoleonic dynasty in one bloody skirmish!
Cetshwayo: I know, took you lot the best part of 15 years

Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 7:31 am

Cetshwayo: Swop you the Prince Imperial's sword for Crealock.

Chelmsford: Done!

Posted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 2:18 pm

Cetsh and Chelmsford in a smoking room chatting on what they'll be doing after the war:

Cetsh: Ah Thes...that visit to London looks pretty good nowadays. Looking forward to some r&r. And you?
Chelms: Got the transport in me Cetsh..got the transport.... thinking on setting up "Chelmsford Expressladen Wagon Services" back home...London TO LIVERPOOL 1 HOUR NO STOPPING.....good work for Zulu coachmen Cetsh and if they would even want to fight a battle.......??....