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 | John Cleese version inspired by the Chard-Bromhead exchange |  |
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Tom516
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If John Cleese did ZULU instead of Sir Stanley Baker...
Screen titles would of course be done in Sweden hehehe... Isandhlwana... the massacre scene... A lone fugitive with a wagon trots through the carnage crying "Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead!" Terry Gillam and Carol Cleveland would be Rev.Witt and Margaretta riding home from Cetshwayo's Kraal - Cetshwayo is now a ten foot animated killer bunny... John Cleese comes riding up across the Tugela after the hunt with a redcoat banging coconuts together... Graham Chapman as Chard: John Chard Royal Engineers, John Cleese as Bromhead: John of the 'ho? Chard: I'm in command of this post... Major Henry Spalding, clothed in the Queen's scarlet, gave me command of this post by virtue of seniority... indeed we all hold the Queen's commission. Terry Jones as Adendorff: We Boers are an anarcho-syndicalist commune. You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some lackey of a fat old bint ten thousand miles away says so! I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some overdressed old fogey said that some overweight tart had told 'I'm to do so, people would put me away! Bromhead and his group reach the makeshift bridge over the Tugela. Eric Idle dressed in iSangoma attire: I am the bridge keeper. Who approaches the bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Bromhead: Go ahead old boy I'm ready. iSangoma: What is your name. Bromhead: Bromhead... 24th... that's my post... up there. iSangoma: What is your quest. Bromhead: To hold the post of Rorke's Drift. iSangoma: What - are the colour of your regimental facings. Bromhead: (Looking long and hard at his cuffs)... Gosling green. iSangoma: You may pass... iSangoma: I am the bridge keeper. Who approaches the bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Terry Jones as Capt Stevenson: Go ahead old witch I am not afraid. iSangoma: What is your name. Stevenson: Captain Stevenson, Durnford's Horse. iSangoma: What is your quest. Stevenson: To return to Helpmakaar. iSangoma: What - are the colour of the 80th regimental facings. Stevenson: Green! (shocked) No it's yellooooooooooooooooooooooo (Stevenson is catapulted by a Hales' rocket into the river) iSangoma: I am the bridge keeper. Who approaches the bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Chard: I am ready. iSangoma: What is your name. Chard: John Chard, Royal Engineers. iSangoma: What is your quest. Chard: I came here to build a bridge. iSangoma: What - is the horizontal velocity of a Swallow... Chard: African or Asian? iSangoma: I don't know that! - Nooooooooooooooooooooooo Bromhead: How did you know that? Chard: Ah you need to know these things in the Royal Engineers. Michael Palin as Hook: Ah Rorke's Drift. Terry Jones as Adendorff: Rorke's Drift Bromhead: Rorke's Drift Chard: Rorke's Drift Terry Gillam as Witt: It's only animation Chard: Shut up. Terry Gillam as Witt: You must evacuate. Here let me draw a couple of wagons with big animated feet to carry out your wounded. Carol Cleveland as Margareta: Can I help anyone... I've been very wicked and I need a spanking. Girls: A spanking - a spanking! Michael Palin as Hookie: Well I guess coming to Africa, coming down with dysentery and fever, getting boils lanced and stealing the doc's medicinal brandy isn't so bad. Carol Cleveland as Margareta: And after that, the oral - John Cleese as Maxfield: Hook! Go to the window and help Williams and put your tunic on. We are in great peril. Margareta: No, I've been very wicked. Please Hookie... Hook: Well a little peril isn't so bad. Margareta: Please punish me Hookie. Maxfield: I'll cover your escape. Hook: I can 'andle her single 'andedly. Maxfield: We haven't a moment to lose. Hook: I bet you're gay. Maxfield: No I'm not. Zulu warriors attack. Zulus and Brits fight. Chard goes down. Chard: It's just a flesh wound! More fighting... Narrator: We have asked a team of pre-eminent historians to explain the strategy behind the battle of Rorke's Drift. Enter Ian Knight, Mike Snook, Ron Lock and Quantrill, Adrian Greeves ... Enter John Cleese as Bromhead who bayonets them all and runs off as the Zulus chase him. Zulus: We are the Umpakathi who say 'Jiii' Eric Idle as Commissary Dalton: "Jooo" Chard: No, no, no, Jiii Zulus: We will disembowel your dead bodies unless you give us .... A SHRUBBERY!! Chard: But there's shrubbery all around you! Zulus: Well then... you should give us... ALL THE SHRUBBERY and cut down that bridge over the Tugela - with a HERRING!! Metropolitan Police talk to a distraught Dawn and other members of the forum while examining the bodies of Knight, Snook, et al. Chard: What are they doing? Are they singing? The French Zulus: Come on you silly Eenglish kniggits! Adendorff: They're saluting fellow braves. Chard: Ivor, sing them something they know. Eric Idle as Ivor: Oh, I'm a Warwickshire and I'm okay! (Singing Singing Singing) Dawn points the Metropolitan Police toward Rorke's Drift. Bromhead: Right lads, form up! Fix bayonets! Charge... (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) The British charge The Zulus charge but before they can engage they are all are arrested by the Metropolitan Police. Sheldon as The Inspector of the Film: All right, move along, nothing to see. ( Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ... organ music continues as the audience leave.) |
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_________________ Tom "Harlechman" Zulu Total War Team, a Rome TW: BI mod.
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Rich
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Tom..yer on the ball with Cleesey boy!.....
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| Cleesy version 2 | |
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Tom516
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BREAKING NEWS BREAKING NEWS
John Cleese and the popular British Monty Python team have, after the success of the Zulu sequence in The Meaning of Life been chosen to remake the epic British war epic drama epic picture - ZULU MONTY PYTHON'S ZOOLOO Screen titles would of course be done in Sweden hehehe... Isandhlwana... the massacre scene... A lone fugitive with a wagon trots through the carnage crying "Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead!" Zulu warriors walk among the bodies disemowelling the dead with their ikhlwa spears. British Soldier (played by Ringgo Star): I'm not dead. Zulu 1: See here, he's not dead. Zulu 2: So what, he will be in a little while. Go ahead, disembowel him. Zulu 1: Oy can't do that, t's agaist regulations! British Soldier: I think I'd like to go for a swim. Zulu 2: You're not fooling anyone you know. Zulu 1: I can't disembowel him if he's not dead! British Soldier: I don't want to be disembowelled. Zulu 2: Don't be such a baby. Isn't there anything you can do? Zulu 1: Well there's this (knocks British Soldier on the head with a knobkerrie) Zulu 2: Thanks very much. Zulu 1: Oh don't mention it. Terry Gillam and Carol Cleveland would be Rev.Witt and Margaretta riding home from Cetshwayo's Kraal - Cetshwayo is now a ten foot animated killer bunny... John Cleese comes riding up across the Tugela after the hunt with a redcoat banging coconuts together... Graham Chapman as Chard: John Chard Royal Engineers, John Cleese as Bromhead: John of the 'ho? Chard: I'm in command of this post... Major Henry Spalding, clothed in the Queen's scarlet, gave me command of this post by virtue of seniority... indeed we all hold the Queen's commission. Terry Jones as Adendorff: We Boers are an anarcho-syndicalist commune. You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some lackey of a fat old bint ten thousand miles away says so! I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some overdressed old fogey said that some overweight tart had told 'I'm to do so, people would put me away! Chard: I'm in command of this post. Bromhead: No you aren't. Chard: Yes I am. Bromhead: No you aren't. Chard: Yes I am. Bromhead: No you aren't. Chard: Yes I am. Bromhead: No you aren't. Chard: Yes I am. Bromhead and his group reach the makeshift bridge over the Tugela. Eric Idle dressed in iSangoma attire: I am the bridge keeper. Who approaches the bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Bromhead: Go ahead old boy I'm ready. iSangoma: What is your name. Bromhead: Bromhead... 24th... that's my post... up there. iSangoma: What is your quest. Bromhead: To hold the post of Rorke's Drift. iSangoma: What - are the colour of your regimental facings. Bromhead: (Looking long and hard at his cuffs)... Gosling green. iSangoma: You may pass... iSangoma: I am the bridge keeper. Who approaches the bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Terry Jones as Capt Stevenson: Go ahead old witch I am not afraid. iSangoma: What is your name. Stevenson: Captain Stevenson, Durnford's Horse. iSangoma: What is your quest. Stevenson: To return to Helpmakaar. iSangoma: What - are the colour of the 80th regimental facings. Stevenson: Green! (shocked) No it's yellooooooooooooooooooooooo (Stevenson is catapulted by a Hales' rocket into the river) iSangoma: I am the bridge keeper. Who approaches the bridge must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Chard: I am ready. iSangoma: What is your name. Chard: John Chard, Royal Engineers. iSangoma: What is your quest. Chard: I came here to build a bridge. iSangoma: What - is the horizontal velocity of a Swallow... Chard: African or Asian? iSangoma: I don't know that! - Nooooooooooooooooooooooo Bromhead: How did you know that? Chard: Ah you need to know these things in the Royal Engineers. Michael Palin as Hook: Ah Rorke's Drift. Terry Jones as Adendorff: Rorke's Drift Bromhead: Rorke's Drift Chard: Rorke's Drift Terry Gillam as Witt: It's only animation Chard: Shut up. Terry Gillam as Witt: You must evacuate. Here let me draw a couple of wagons with big animated feet to carry out your wounded. Carol Cleveland as Margareta: Can I help anyone... I've been very wicked and I need a spanking. Girls: A spanking - a spanking! Michael Palin as Hookie: Well I guess coming to Africa, coming down with dysentery and fever, getting boils lanced and stealing the doc's medicinal brandy isn't so bad. Carol Cleveland as Margareta: And after that, the oral - John Cleese as Maxfield: Hook! Go to the window and help Williams and put your tunic on. We are in great peril. Margareta: No, I've been very wicked. Please Hookie... Hook: Well a little peril isn't so bad. Margareta: Please punish me Hookie. Maxfield: I'll cover your escape. Hook: I can 'andle her single 'andedly. Maxfield: We haven't a moment to lose. Hook: I bet you're gay. Maxfield: No I'm not. Zulu warriors attack. Zulus and Brits fight. Chard goes down. Chard: It's just a flesh wound! More fighting... Narrator: We have asked a team of pre-eminent historians to explain the strategy behind the battle of Rorke's Drift. Enter Ian Knight, Mike Snook, Ron Lock and Quantrill, Adrian Greeves ... Enter John Cleese as Bromhead who bayonets them all and runs off as the Zulus chase him. Zulus: We are the Umpakathi who say 'Jiii' Eric Idle as Commissary Dalton: "Jooo" Chard: No, no, no, Jiii Zulus: We will disembowel your dead bodies unless you give us .... A SHRUBBERY!! Chard: But there's shrubbery all around you! Zulus: Well then... you should give us... ALL THE SHRUBBERY and cut down that bridge over the Tugela - with a HERRING!! Metropolitan Police talk to a distraught members of the RorkesDriftVC forum while examining the bodies of Knight, Snook, et al. Chard: What are they doing? Are they singing? The French Zulus: Come on you silly Eenglish kniggits! Adendorff: They're saluting fellow braves. Chard: Ivor, sing them something they know. Eric Idle as Ivor: Oh, I'm a Warwickshire and I'm okay! (Singing Singing Singing) (Zulu's sing the echo) Oh, I'm a Warwickshire and I'm okay! I fight all night and I fight all day HE'S A WARWICKSHIRE AND HE'S OKAY HE FIGHT'S ALL NIGHT AND HE FIGHT'S ALL DAY I stain my hat with India tea I go to the lavat'ry. My rifle kicks just like a buck And kill dark-skinned foes for tea (chorus) Oh, I'm a Warwickshire and I'm okay! I fight all night and I fight all day HE'S A WARWICKSHIRE AND HE'S OKAY HE FIGHT'S ALL NIGHT AND HE FIGHT'S ALL DAY I win awards and skip and jump We are the finest shots We dress in skirts and bonnets Just like the girlie Scots... (phone call - ring ring) As former colonel of the Gordon Highlanders I am utterly appalled by the implication that the Scottish Highland regiments are in any way girlie or homosexual because of our manner of dress. Without the fierce courage of our soldiers, Britain would never have had an empire! This is Colonel Ewan MacPherson OBE, aka Belinda! Goodbye! Two Boer farmers look at the iSangoma stuck into the ground head first. Boer 1: We found a witch can we burn her? iSangoma: What do you mean her? Boer 2: Not unless she weighs as much as a duck. iSangoma: I'm not a her. Colonel Pulleine: Now it's time for the Zulu at your feet to explode. (BOOM) Distraught RorkesDriftVC forum members points the Metropolitan Police toward Rorke's Drift. Bromhead: Right lads, form up! Fix bayonets! Charge... (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) (Long repetitious shot of Bromhead charging by himself toward the mealie barricade, accompanied by ominous drumroll) The British charge The Zulus charge but before they can engage they are all are arrested by the Metropolitan Police. Sheldon Hall as The Inspector of the Film: All right, move along, nothing to see. ( Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ... organ music continues as the audience leave.) |
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_________________ Tom "Harlechman" Zulu Total War Team, a Rome TW: BI mod.
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 | John Cleese version inspired by the Chard-Bromhead exchange | |
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